Here are some hints to help you take a new look at your wife.
- You are number one in her life.
Next to God, she thinks you are everything to her. As against the average Indian male, the average Indian woman sacrifices her parents to take shelter under her husband’s shadow. She may not express it in her day-today life, but when you are harsh, she feels thrown out into the cold. Her thoughts race back to the security of her childhood home. She starts worrying about her future. Don’t make her homesick for heaven. She can stand any storm in life if only the husband’s arms are always around her. Elizabeth was “barren” (Lk 1:7). She was “called barren” (v 36). She suffered “reproach among men” (v 25). But till she was “well-stricken in years” she walked together with her husband before God (v6), because Zacharias was a devoted husband and prayed for his wife (v 13).
- She wants to be number one in your life.
She cannot tolerate anyone coming between you and her. If your mother is your housewife, then it is quite natural that she feels unwanted. Important family matters must first be discussed with your wife. Neither can you be wedded to your job. For a man’s life does not consist in the abundance of things he possesses (Lk 12:15). Do not be a workaholic and miss the best things of life. Don’t travel through life at 120 kmph! Take time to be a husband. Allow God tounchoke your life by removing unnecessary ambitions. Change your perspective on your family and your family changes forever. Enjoy your home. See the children grow up (they grow up only once) and make your wife feel she is No. 1 in your life.
- Sheloves independence.
This isnot to say she does not want to be dependent on you. Rather, she depends on you for her independence. Don’t hold her on a tight leash. Don’t order her around the house by a volley of commands. I tell my husband that even God gave only ten commandments. Many wives feel like caged birds fluttering their wings against the bars. Respect her wishes. Restricting your wife is the recipe for tragedy. Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord; yet she is called a “freewoman!” (Gal 4:22,23). She had, more than anything, freedom of speech. Don’t tell your wife to shut up. Let her enjoy freedom of expression.
- She hates to be compared.
Let your requests, be straight-forward. Don’t say, “So and so made such and such a dish, so make it so.” Don’t ask her to dress like somebody. She doesn’t want to be like that somebody. The why-can’t-you-be-like-her atti- tude leaves her feeling inferior, often with a tinge of jealousy. If a man without a wife could learn to be content in whatever state he was (Phil 4:11), certainly you can learn to be content with your wife.
- She likes to maintain her individuality.
Allow her to be herself. You cannot inject into her, qualities which are not in her blood. Corrections are necessary. But where it is not a correction but just an alteration, give her the allowance to be herself. If she likes to bite and eat an apple without cutting or peel the sugarcane with her teeth, don’t try to civilise her. Small things in life speak loud in relationship. Often there are qualities in your wife which you don’t like but are appreciated by others. You may feel she doesn’t behave like an officer’s wife but others may appreciate her for her simplicity. So don’t be in a hurry to change her. Many women remain snuffed out like candles. Ignite them and give wings to their originality that they too may find fulfilment in life.
- She is overworked.
In most homes the woman gets backache because of over work and the man suffers from backache for lack of exercise. She is always hectic, always tired, always weak. She has no Sunday holidays or second Saturdays. Two kids are enough to sap her energy. So try to understand her when she is peevish. A woman who works outside the home needs extra help at home. Man is not made for the kitchen. However what a relief it is when my husband prepares my coffee and makes up the bed in the morning ! Thousands of years ago it was the man who wiped the dishes (2 Ki.21:13 KJV). Now he has forgotten it. Sigh! At least do the man’s jobs at home and save her the trouble of looking to others for help.
- She is emotional.
Men think with their brain. Women feel with their heart. She cries and at times becomes hysterical. She takes emotional decisions at the spur of the moment. Here motions change according to her hormonal cycle. Some days she tends to beelated and in high spirits. The next day she is dull and downcast. It is part of her physiology. For nothing at all, her feelings are shattered like fine glass. Try to relieve her of tensions wherever possible. Kiss away your angry words. Don’t sleep off when she is crying or walk off when she is arguing. A wife living with a mother-in-law needs extra understanding and care. Use her emotions for the better. Tickle her with your jokes and bring fun back into marriage. “Live joyfully with your wife,” says Solomon ( Eccl 9:9). In short, be jolly with your wife!
- Sexdoes not top her list.
She isnot ready to jump into bed at your beck and call. The man wonders why she behaves like a wooden block. The woman wonders why she doesn’t get anything out of sex. It is surprising how many husbands are ignorant that she needs time and technique to find pleasure in sex. The husband must take it as his ‘duty’ to see that she enjoys sex (1 Cor 7:3). Sex is probably the last in her ‘to do’ list. For many, sex is like a silent movie. She remains quiet and sometimes praying that it will be over soon. Often when the husband falls into an exhausted sleep, she lies wide awake, staring at the ceiling, wondering if that is all sex has to offer her. “Let me hear your voice,” says the husband (SS2:14). He encourages her to speak out and express her feelings of likes and dislikes. If you are unkind, unfaithful or unsympathetic, then sex amounts to torture for her because psychology has much say on a woman’s sex life.
- She needs constant reassurance.
She is riddled with doubts about her worthiness. Am I still attractive to my husband? I wonder if he likes the curry. Am I a good wife? Have I done anything wrong? These questions constantly flash across her mind. She needs to be repeatedly assured that she is great. Yesterday’s compliment is not enough to carry her through today. Find some means of expressing your love to her every day. She must be made to feel secure and desirable and needed. God asks only one thing from the husband in Proverbs 31, for all that the woman does-praise her! (v28). That was probably the secret of the success of the woman of Proverbs 31.
- She wants to know.
Unless you tell her openly how will she know what you have in mind? Stop reacting like a wounded child and tell her what offended you. Then she can change herself. Tell her if you like something, so she can stick to it. Teach her what you know from the Bible. Let her not lag behind spiritually. Take her along wherever possible. Don’t mind her I-already know- that expression. It is only a mask. Allow her to exhibit her knowledge. That gives her a facelift. Don’t eclipse her. Women have enough agents to buffet them lest they boast. Share her the news from the daily. Explain to her while watching the TV.
Most women are rather poor in general knowledge. When she asks something, teachher. Do not make fun of her, especially before others. Till today, my husbandhas to tell me where to sigh in any form and keep his finger there till Ifinish signing. If he doesn’t read the form, I wouldn’t know what I signed for.That gives me confidence in his leadership. However let not your leadershipqualities deploy at home with a bang. You have to be a “husband” before you canbe a “leader”.
Marriage has the two greatest gifts to offer you – someone to love and someonewho loves you. Make the best of both!
